How To Give Your Parents Tech Support

Sit down with a parent who’s having a tech problem they want your help fixing, and chances are good that before the problem is resolved, you’ll be fighting. This is typical. Because as one expert in parent/child communication (my mother) explained to me, “Well, of course I push your buttons. Who do you think installed them?”

When we are trying to do tech support for parents, we get frustrated with them, and they with us, because there’s a whole lot more going on in the transaction than just troubleshooting technology. There’s something about reversing the leader/follower dynamic that sets everyone on edge. We become impatient beyond reason. Everyone seems to lose their cool.

But we want to help, don’t we? Here are some guidelines to your behavior that should make things go more smoothly.

Remember: Parents aren’t dumb

Technology is a language. You might be fluent in it, and your parents might not be. When you try to explain something or ask a question in a language they don’t speak, it will not make much sense to them, and likewise they won’t use terms you expect to hear when they’re trying to explain their problem.

So, first rule: Go slow. Ask, “What are you trying to do?” and, “What happened?” Don’t show off by using jargon. Avoid zipping through a complex series of moves while they’re trying to understand what you’re doing.

And have some humility about the whole thing when a parent doesn’t understand what you are saying. Remember: If you can’t explain it, you probably don’t fully understand it yourself. Look at the communication as a challenge.

Fear is powerful

At the moment you are talking to a parent about a tech problem, they may be scared. They are at the least frustrated enough to call you. They might be afraid they’ve lost their email archive or their photos, or that they have been hacked. Fear does not make one receptive to new ideas. First thing first, before you try to solve anything: Listen. Reflect their concerns back so they know they are heard.

You don’t have to “fix” everything

If, while you’re working on their problem, you find that your parent’s desktop or smartphone screen is a horrible mess of disorganized icons that offends your sense of efficiency, resist the urge to organize it for them. Or if you watch a parent slowly using a mouse and menus to perform an action you can do ten times faster with a keyboard shortcut, chill. You don’t have to try to make them do it your way. Everyone has to find their own way of using technology. Everyone else (e.g., you) has to put up with it.

No shaming

Saying, “I can’t believe you’re doing it this way,” is not the right way to help somebody. Your goal is not to make your parent feel bad. Don’t criticize them over their questions, problems, or how they use their tech. Sure, they may have spent the last 30 years criticizing your life choices. Let it go.

Full attention

Doing tech support is not a casual conversation you can have while you’re making dinner. Give the job your complete attention. If you are trying to do support over the phone, remove yourself from other distractions.

Respect privacy fears

This is the “Alexa tip.” Not everyone is comfortable having technology that can, theoretically, spy on them. If your parents unplug or turn off devices that you believe work better when they’re left on, let it be. They’re not going to become more comfortable with tech just because you like it.

It’s ok to fix without teaching

When you are trying to teach a parent to do something with technology so you don’t have to do it again for them next time, they might in fact prefer that you do it for them anyway. So do it.

If you do plan to teach them how to fix a recurring problem, write the steps down, clearly. Or be patient as the person you’re helping writes down the steps themselves. This will take longer than you think, and the exercise might illustrate to you how confusing tech might be to someone not fluent in it. Once done, make a paper copy of these instructions.

Finally: Practical Tech Support Tips

There are a few common practical tips I’d like to recommend, which I have found make executing on the above tips a little easier:

First, for computer-related issues, use a screen-sharing app, like Team Viewer. If you’re doing support over the phone, it’s much easier if you can see what your parent is doing on their screen, or even perform tasks on their computer remotely. This is common advice and it’s solid. Screen sharing in Zoom is also a good way to give support, although you can’t remotely control a computer with it.

Second, if possible, set up your parents with the same technology you use. If you use an iPhone, it’s going to be easier to help them if they also use an iPhone. If your TV set-top box is a Roku, see if you can get them set up on one, instead of, say, a Fire TV (not that there’s anything wrong with the Fire TV). This is also the standard advice.

I’m going to go a step further and recommend that for computing devices — computers and phones — you just go all-Apple if you want to support people less technical than you. This opinion may be unpopular. But when I got my parents to switch from Windows to Mac computers, the time I spent on the phone talking them down from tech-induced panic attacks dropped dramatically.

Good luck. And be kind.

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See also:

• Ronny Chieng on Explaining Technology to his Mom
• Wall Street Journal: Are You the Family Tech Support?